Have you ever come to a point in your life when it seems that you don’t feel anything anymore? I have. Been feeling recently that nothing has ‘kick’ anymore.
Work-wise I seem to be stuck in a rut, nothing challenges me, and there’s nothing for me to challenge. There’s no more adrenaline rush, no fulfilment, no excitement, no…kick. Everyday I go through the actions that pass for work in my office, but that’s it, nothing else.
Personal-wise, I don’t go out anymore. Not movies, not concerts, not shopping, not drinking, not chiong-ing, not singing, not anything. Besides, everything requires money, and that’s something I don’t have much of.
At home, TV holds no attraction, except the odd episode of CSI. I’m sick of seeing my mum at home everyday after work (I DON”T MEAN THAT I’M SICK OF HER!!), of hearing her mundane grocery shopping tales, of hearing her tell me “don’t do this, do that”.
The internet is boring. There’re only so many interesting websites you can visit, there’s only that much money for shopping online, there’re only that many interesting forums to post at.
Friends-wise, I’ve lost touch with almost everybody, either through my own fault or not. Even if I didn’t, hanging out becomes a chore for both them and me because my impatience and temper gets in the way.
I’m sick of eating the same food everyday. I’m sick of treading the same path everyday. I’m sick of seeing the same people and places everyday. I’m sick of saying the same things everyday. I’m sick of it all. I’m even sick of being stuck in the same rut, day in day out. There’s just no kick left. I think the French call it ennui.
I tried to take bass lessons and salsa lessons to stave off the boredom, to see if I can find the kick there. The salsa intimidates me… and so does the bass. I have no idea what to do to make myself better. I have no idea what to say or do or ask.
I go to bed at night, and sleep evades me. I wake up earlier in the mornings, but I don’t know what to do with the extra time. I ‘seem’ to have more energy, but find nothing worth doing.
Loser, you say? Yes, I am. No life, you say? YES! I agree, in caps, no less.
But I don’t understand. Is this just a rut? Am I stuck in a rut, or not? Is it a long rut, or short one? Temporary or permanent? But if I’m not in a rut, then what? Is it some sort of early mid-life crisis? Am I too young to have a mid-life crisis? What does a mid-life crisis entail? If it’s not that, am I depressed then? What does depression feel like? What do you do to recover? How do you do it?
But….if it’s none of the above…then what??!!