Hormones and Leos? Big no-no

The level in normal humans range between 0.71-1.85, my current blood test results show 11.62. The previous one showed 12.something, so apparently it’s still waaay off the charts. Doc was pretty angry about it, but not so much as she was angry about how I missed my appointment and came in only 2 months after the actual date. Not only that, I had missed taking the meds for like a month, on and off.

Only the meds help, and they only help if you take them for 18 months, day in day out, twice a day without fail. 18 months, 540 days, 1080 times, 4 pills each time, 4320 pills to swallow. Even at $0.40 a pill, it’s almost $2000. That’s not counting the blood tests that come at $40 a pop, every 6 weeks, for now anyway. I feel my throat constricting, and it’s not due to symptoms. Oh guess what, because of the month I missed in taking meds, my 18-month ‘drug’ cycle re-started again, yippee…and Doc threatened to re-start it everytime I missed taking meds, geez.

It really is no fun, except the losing weight bit. I wonder which machiavellian creator decided to give you a tight throat where you couldn’t swallow, shaky limbs, weakened muscles and huge uncontrollable thirst (that made Chris and Jean not know whether to be pissed or amused while I dragged them into every 7-11 and street hawker stall in HK looking for drinks). But all this, I can handle.

It’s the temper…ohhh, the temper. Doc said, “Tell them, it’s not your fault, it’s due to your hormones”. (I haven’t figured out how hormones work to make you lose your temper, though) But . . . isn’t that just too easy? It’s a snap to say, “I’m sorry but my hormones made me snap at you” or “I’m sorry, but I had to ignore you because my hormones made me get irritated at you”. Too easy, and just too weird. In life, you don’t get off that easily. People would think I was pregnant or something, and with my size, that’s the fastest assumption to make :p But what’s even more unfortunate is that other people can’t ignore me or leave me alone because it pisses me off even more, but HEY, I’m a LEO, that’s my privilege in life. :p ok, whatever, don’t roll your eyes.

Even now, taking the meds, my irritation gets out of control. When F, that insatiable chatterbox, starts to talk non-stop, I have to turn away after a while to hide my irritation, or when Miss Pokey starts her relentless poking and begins her tirades in disgustingly bad English, I have to completely switch off or risk having a shouting match in the middle of the kopi tiam (Her English, by the way, is truly horrifying and listening to it makes your brains want to dribble out of your head so you don’t have to try to understand her anymore. Yes, really).

Like today, when I was looking forward to a quiet, slightly gossipy lunch with W and N, when up came F, sauntering in with her home-cooked lunch. The non-stop chatter bgan, and hardly anyone got a word in, especially me. Guess how i started to feel. Thank goodness for W and N though. They may or may not understand what I’m going through, but at least when I go all quiet, they just take it in their stride till I get my temper back again (lucky that’s quite fast nowadays). Don’t get me wrong, I like F, chatter and all, I truly do.

Suddenly I realize, just now, that it’s easier to not socialize, because it creates lesser grief for me and everybody else.

It’s not a great thing, feeling like that, except maybe dropping 1/2 a dress size (it doesn’t look it but it IS), and it’s even worse when it feels like you’re making up excuses for behaving like a spoilt brat. Not many people know about it, friends, family, colleagues, less than 10, and only 3 understand it. But I’m through with apologizing for it (except maybe to my ex-boss, who almost decided to fire me coz I was such an asshole). I’m through making excuses and thinking it’s my fault. It’s hereditary, it’s not something I asked for, it’s something I have to live with; Me, not anybody else. With meds, it gets better, but how better, neither me nor Doc knows. Apparently it doesn’t go away, ever. It’s a part of your body and stays with you for life. It’s not even a life-shattering illness (CHOY, of course) which changes you as a person forever. It’s just there, waiting to flame up again anytime I get stressed or agitated.

This entry is not written out of self-pity. I’m not moaning about it. In fact, I’ve been feeling fine for several months now. What it is is a record of the few experiences, what’s happening, what’s going through my head from time to time. While doing research about it, I came across a blog a lady set up to document her experience. The few posts it contained, while not enlightening, helped me gain more understanding. My blog is not like hers, the entries will not all be about this, but I hope the few entries that I keep will be able to help me understand more, and perhaps help somebody some day.

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