why am i always sooo indecisive?

can’t believe 1/2 a month passes just like that…

the last week was exceptionally bad at work, boss was pushing all of us coz it’s month-end and qtr-end, but my team ended up with a pretty good showing, i hope. D*** has been making it worse than ever to survive doing their stuff, i mean, wtf, sure they’re the customer, but every single bloody little damned fucking thing is our fault. if something happens or one of them fucks it up, it’s just complete silence, they can’t even bring themselves to send an email apologising, but if one of us fucks up in just a little way, oooh, it’s nasty email after nasty email of criticisms and complaints, and no, nothing is accepted as an excuse.

it’s even worse now the manager who set up the project is handling something else now. the ‘stupid pig’ handling it now doesn’t know a fucking thing, or if he does, doesn’t http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.italic.gif
insert italic tagsuse his bloody brain to think. I’ve been receiving the most stupidest of emails from the lot of them, esp him, that ‘stupid pig’. the other day, something totally fucked up coz the planner didn’t give instructions properly, and yet wanted us to ship everything out immediately. we tried to settle it by email, and everything just kept getting nastier and nastier, until we had to have it out in a conference call before we got it settled. I commented to the ‘stupid pig’ on why they didn’t pass proper instructions to us, and his answer was, oh maybe you guys just didn’t understand properly… i just muttered something and hung up before i could be completely rude to him.

been trying to help out HK, they seem to be really getting the heat after the 2 girls left, but it seems the new girl left after a week, it was so drama, 1 day i was talking to her on the phone and recevied a report from her, 12 hours later i received an email saying she had left and would not be ever coming back. can’t say i blame her, getting so little money for doing so much shit. it’s a shit job, but not something that can be learnt in a week. i can bet the comments and sarcasm and nasty nasty emails from D*** was what drove her off. I’ve already experinced that once, and it was nasty. They must take lessons like “how to make your vendor squirm and crawl and feel like the utmost maggot via email” or something. Wonder if it’s their culture even in their US offices, i wouldn’t have expected that.

Anyway, IPL was telling me it might come to the point where they might have to send me over to help out for a while and to train whoever is coming in. Selena and Irene have said that too, but I seriously doubt it. i mean, JD and TD have got to be the stingiest bosses i’ve ever met, and it’s not like our teams are making money from the project. 1/2 of me would like to go over to take a look, 1/2 of me wonders if i could live up to a challenge like that. i’d really hate to let IPL and SC down if i couldn’t handle it. NL and i both know that with the size of inventory they have, comapred to us, either of us could take it and tackle within a week. But like i said to ian the other day, it’s one thing to know my work and do it in english, but cantonese is totally different! i only use cantonese for like shopping and KTV and watching dramas haha, but to use it for work! But come to think of it, i think my canto did improve a bit while trying to help out HK last week 😀 well, anyway, we’ll wait and see, it’s not like i’ll definitely be sent over there, most prob they’ll make me do it by phone bleah.

thing about this company is that, i really hate it and seriously think about leaving it when there’s so much pressure esp around month-end. they know we’re at the end of our rope, and yet they’ll squeeze just that little bit more, so their finanacial reports look good. i know ipl’s under a lot of pressure…i’ve seen john’s emails to some of them, and i think i’d cry every time i receive something like that. but well, as a subordinate, i understand him, but the frustration lies in that, if i understand his pressures, who understands mine??? it’s sometimes so bad, that our corner where NL and I sit has become a counselling corner where DC and EP come to take a breath occasionally, and IC but more rarely nowadays poor girl. we just need to complain to each other sometimes to take the edge off our frustrations. DC’s a more direct kinda person, or more resigned maybe, like the rest of us. we just gripe, gripe, gripe and then when it’s off our shoulders, shrug them and go back to our work again. EP’s diff in a way, coz maybe his previous jobs were more … professional i guess. i think he’s damn cham sometimes, but i really can’t help him, coz here, you either bear your burden and other pple’s as well, or you get out. I’m afraid he’ll get out soon. all the good ones leave in the end. Over here, everything get tai-chied around, nobody wants the responsibility even if they’re the manager, everybody waits aroudn for his boss to prioritize their work, and everything needsd to get escalated 5 times before work gets started, esp that damned IT team.

but at other times, when we meet our targets and the pressure’s off for another 2 weeks, esp with the gang of colleauges now, and some new challenges coming my way, i just think it’d be good to stay and fight my way through. i had lunch with DC today, and we came to the conclusion that we’re lucky to have ipl as our boss. we were both of the same mind that if ever ipl left, we’d leave in a hurry too *grin*. the thing about him is that, he really does give pple lots of chances, and presents you with challenges that make you work harder and better. I like his open door policy too, that you can just go in at anytime, well, almost anytime, and talk to him about work and frustrations. of course pple do take advantage of his ‘kind nature’ and that’s frustrating. right now, he’s pushing me to have all those silly meetings and setting me ridiculous targets to meet to ‘prove your leadership’. i do realise he’s trying to make me into more than what i am and what i think i can achieve now, but it just gets seriously frustrating at times. not just him, but that IT team in our HQ up there in that nothern state and our customer of coz. of course he could be just taking advantage of the fact that i’m guiltily aware of how i fucked up in the beginning but he still gave me a chance to stay on and prove myself and didn’t kick me out on my sorry ass 2 years ago.

it is getting more fun sometimes now that the 3 bastards have left, well 2 bastards and 1 semi-useless bum anyway. EP’s a really fun colleague to have and he doesn’t even mind when the rest of us refer to him as a Miss lol, just answers us directly. he’s whiny too, but more small-kid whiny than irritating whiny. with him and ipl around, it makes it feel like IC and DC have opened a kindergaten or something, lolz, 1 cheeky brat and 1 whiny one. but it’s really fun to joke with them when we have the leisure, esp IPL when he’s in his cheeky moods. he doesn’t even behave like the boss sometimes, IC or EP and I can just stand there and insult him (well, to a certain point) and he’ll just point his middle finger or say something rude back to us haha. of coz he’s got the advantage that he can send us back to doing our work *grin*.

sigh that’s my problem, i always end up having so much fun with colleagues that i end up ‘sacrificing’ my career. but at this juncture now, i’m not even sure whether I’ll have a career anymore. I soemtimes wonder if there’s anything for me here in this company, seeing as i’m not qualified paper-wise for this industry. but to start getting another paper at this late age, OMG, i’d say kill me, kill me now. would it even help? and yet, if I don’t, then there’s really nothing for me here, is there, 2, 3 years down the road? i mean, however good ipl is, he can’t really promise me anything, not even the job i have now, coz that’s really out of his hands.

indecision…frustration…should i leave now although there’s new challenges to meet, but i’m still ‘youngish’ enough to make a new start somewhere although i can’t find anywhere to start at, or later when there’s nothing left for me here, but i’d be too old to start again somewhere. Do Fate and Time keep joining hands to play cruel tricks on me? or is it just ‘me’ getting in the way of Fate and Time?

if u dun venture out now, u never will. i duno wat happen 2 yrs ago, but watever had happen, u had used yr precious 2 yrs to repay back. enuff le bah?

usually when a pax is indecisive whether to leave a job or not, the thing tat is holding u back is the colleagues. but sometimes, u have to think for yrself too. u guys r still frens, somemore can ming zheng yan shun gossip le *grin*

anyway, the above comments r jus my 2 cents worth. the ultimate decision is still up to u le


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