Listening to: 董事長 1st album
Was digging through my drawers today, through stuff I haven’t thrown away since my poly days, and I chanced upon an old empty box of Virginia Slims… i haven’t smoked since I was…what…24 or so. It just didn’t seem a worthwhile habit to keep up, not when everybody was on your back to ‘give up that filthy habit’. But looking at it, i finally now realise why why and what I am
I picked up smoking in school, in poly actually, coz why? 2 reasons, it kept me awake at nights when we had to do all-niters just to submit up our drawings and projects, giving me something else to do with my hands when i got tired of drawing. And becuase it was kinda cool. Because it fit in with my ideal of ‘rock’, of 搖滾 at that time, the idea of a dimly lit bar, some cool jazzy tune playing in the background, lit cigarette between your fingers and a clinking glass of vodka in your other hand, just another night hanging out with friends.
And it struck me…since I can ever remember, I’ve always been so in love with the idea of the dream that the actual deed didn’t mean that much as long as the idea was there. Architecture, ID, smoking, writing, music, bass guitar, piano, keyboards, song compo, all i have ever done was to chase after the idea, but once reality set in, and i realised that the final result wasn’t as easily attainable as the idea, i gave it up. Ideas are just that, 憑空想像, but dreams , dreams are not that easily fulfilled.
I don’t even know what I want anymore, that’s laughable. Me. 31 going on 32, but feeling more like 21 going on 22. At 32, I’m still where I was at 24, I don’t what I want in life, I don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, and I don’t how to work hard to achieve my dreams and I haven’t achieved anything. Laughable. I’ve been making excuses for myself for so long…studies, money, work…don’t people cope with these day in day out? I’m not the 1st, I won’t be the last, so why have I let it stop me all these years? all these wasted years… i think i’ll juz pick up smoking again and go on from there…